Things do get better. - grief (Cancer).

I’ve been grieving for the last 10 months after losing my mum to breast cancer. Like most people who have lost someone to cancer, I wasn’t aware that I was going through pre-bereavement. I was grieving for my mum before she even passed away.

One thing I wished that I had done before my mum passed, was seek emotional support. I felt like I could talk to my mum about anything but bringing up my fears to do with her illness was something I felt like I couldn’t do, because I knew that would scare and upset her. I always felt like I had to be strong and when my mum passed, that's when I broke down.

The first three months after she passed, I felt completely numb and empty. I wrestled the same week she passed and the day after her funeral. I just kept going because that’s what I was used to doing. What blew my mind was the lack of support carers have when someone they cared for dies. Whilst coping with literally just losing my mum to cancer at the age of 19, I had so much paperwork to do, and the amount of bills and debts I had to pay with money I didn’t have put me under so much stress. If it wasn’t for my lovely friends who helped me understand how to pay a bill, who set up crowdfunding (thank you for all those who helped), and my loving partner, I would’ve been so lost. It makes me think about carers who don’t have the support like I had and what they’re going through. I felt like society just expected me to go back to work after going through some very traumatic experiences. The same month she passed, I got told by the council that I had to move out of the flat where I lived with my mum my entire life. After many months of worrying how I’m going to gather all my stuff and my mum’s, I was told I didn’t have to move after I said I really didn’t want to. I then found out they gave me the wrong information anyway and put me under stress for no reason. One day I want to make more help available for carers because carers need to be cared for too.

I went to Croatia in August 2019 to see my family after 4 years. I came back to London sick and that's when all my emotions caught up with me. I lost so much weight that my skinny jeans were baggy. I didn’t want to do anything, and it got to a point where I didn't even want to eat. I felt like I couldn’t be strong enough to even make cheerios so even the cheerios couldn't cheer me up. I told myself, I have to accept that this is part of life and that everything is temporary meaning I won’t feel like this forever. So, I began to eat again. With time, I could eat more than one meal a day and it got to a point where I could eat and go to the gym. All the weight that I lost, I put back on. I want to be better. Everyone grieves differently, what really helped me is acceptance. 😊

I found new hobbies I like, which is cycling, writing and gardening. I’ve also gone to my first support group which I absolutely love (with the Loss Foundation in London). I love being by the sea because it reminds me of my mum and I've also gotten closer to my family in Croatia. 7 months after my mum passed, I got signed to the WWE which is and has always been my dream job. I’ve also got a habit of looking up pictures of goats and watching llama videos on YouTube (I’m laughing).

Cancer does bring a lot of pain into lives and during that time when I lost all that weight, I thought I’m never going to feel anything but pain. But I was 100% wrong. Things do get better.